R.S.V.P.

i wish im home, back to where i belong

where i spent the whole of my 26 years of living

with the people who cares much for me, people who i never paid enough attention

i wish i am well, on this especial day

so i would feel dearly exceptional

at least once in a year with full of challenges and dismay

i wish im not alone so i dont have to do stupid things

cos i might regret, when things get sorted with me.

i wish my wishes were granted so i could appreciate the gift of another year existence.

THE DRAGONFLY

Love makes us what kind of person we are. Its shaping our values based on what we have been into. Sometimes we are mean, dumb and uncaring because we saw and learned it somewhere from the past. It could be our parents, friends and previous relationship partners. We are what we eat and we are what we grew up with. Human beings, when in love, are selfish creatures. What they all care about is their feelings. They are bound to hurting other people intentionally or not and their existence lies on a touch-and-go game.

When I was a kid, I remember I caught an insect using a long palm leaf stick with a resin from a tree to stick them on it. My mom saw me with a dark red-coloured dragonfly caught between my fingers. I was a very curious child and out of my mean curiosity i tore both wings so it couldnt fly away and i could play with it. It's been really nice watching it struggle wanting to fly away. I held it againts me and had a close watch at its face that looks like an alien in a helmet. Suddenly, my curiousity led into something more that I had to tear its head and watch it strangle to death. My mom said to me "Did you ever realise how did it take to have that dragonfly be like what it is?" I didnt understand her at that point but she instilled to me that no matter how small and ugly a living thing is, nature took a great care to have it as it is and killing such a wonderul creature is very mean. I remembered once she told me about rice plants, how its being planted and grown, and the process of the nature nurturing every grain to make it to our tables to eat, it took months to grow, uncounted drops of sweat to produce and immeasurable effort from the nature to make it and its completely worthless to spare a single grain of it. This made a lot of sense to me and i would never forget this lesson ever.

We are all like a kid that i was and dragonflies at the same time. As we live on, we play with curiousity. We tend to get attracted to dragonflies with the most distinctive colours and sophisticated features, and as long as we got them in our hands we make them stuck to us and push to their limits. We would never realise what that fly have been through before reaching us until we become another dragonfly ourselves and experience the same fate. Its just a very awful situation that real dragonflies die right within the hands of a curious child and human dragonflies die and get back into life and flies again and fall on another playful kid and suffer death all over again.

RETURN TO SENDER (with no forwarding address)

Why is that when i love someone, it doesnt seem to fit
and when somebody else loves me, i barely care?
Why cant I settle for less when its gonna give me their best?
Am I not destined to find happiness? Dont I deserve joy?
Life gives me no other options but to choose between what is wrong that makes me happy,
and the righteous that makes no sense to me. My heart and mind are greatest enemy.
Is this the way it should be?
I learned to set free. I learned to supress myself.
I even learned to love in silence and hide the pains with brilliant smiles
Am i doing it right?
Why do i keep believing in love? My faith is strong but is it enough to keep me going?
Why cant I be like the person that the world wants me to be?
Why do I strive for the best when I hated myself?

--------------------------------

WITH EVERY STEP

JONATAN CERRADA performs live at the 2004 EUROVISION

A CHAQUE PAS

Jonatan Cerrada

Il y a des blessures

Qu’on devra oublier

Tellement de ratures

Qu’il faudra effacer

Souffler très fort pour que s’envole de nos cœurs la rancune

Et puis faire tomber les barrières une à une…

A chaque pas que l’on fera

A chaque geste qu’on offrira

Ce sera le début d’un autre demain

Dans chaque mot que l’on dira

Dans ce futur qu’on construira

C’est l’Amour que dessineront nos mains

Il y a des injures

Qu’il faudra pardonner

Des cris contre des murs

Qui lesferont tomber

Déposons les armes à nos pieds, délaissons nos armures

Et que nos conflits ne soient plus que murmure

A chaque pas que l’on fera

A chaque geste qu’on offrira

Ce sera le début d’un autre demain

Dans chaque mot que l’on dira

Dans ce futur qu’on construira

C’est l’Amour que dessineront nos mains

La bataille sera longue

Mais tu sais elle en vaut la peine

L’enfant en nous trouvera le cheminIl y a des felures

Qui resteront brisées

Des coups un peu durs

A jamais marqués

A chaque pas que l’on fera

A chaque geste qu’on offrira

Se que al final lograras encontrar

La paz y la felicitad

En tu camino hallaras

Todo lo que deseas alcanzar

C’est l’Amour que dessineront nos mains.

JONATAN CERRADA music video of A Chaque Pas

This song is truly wonderful. He didnt make it to the Eurovision but its legendary. He was one of the best on the history.

THE PERSON IN ME

I am the inventor, the risk taker, and the developer of new ideas and schemes that can either plummet myself into bankruptcy or catapult to riches and glory. Dozens of ideas ricochet in my head at any given moment, and I can talk circles around anyone I know. I am the epitome of creativity.

Falling in love may take a while for me because of my selective nature: I am the type of person who may pass by several “quality candidates” until I feel I have found the ideal mate. As a result, I may be single for far longer than my friends and family expected me to be. Even when I find the right person, I still want to maintain my sense of uniqueness and personal space. As a result, I need a partner who will leave me alone when I desire it - a partner who has her own sense of self-confidence and autonomy and doesn’t need to be around me twenty-four/seven.

Tips for myself

Where can I meet an Innovator? Innovators are the most eclectic of the Knowledge Seekers; their spontaneous and inquisitive nature takes them almost everywhere. They are especially delighted by social events that trigger their imaginative and logical minds. Look for Innovators anywhere their powerful intellect can be stimulated and where they can exercise their considerable communication skills.

Hell, this is not an advertisement of myself but this could be helpful to someone. This is another crazy result of a personality test that I recently completed. And just like horoscopes and predictions, I do not rely and completely believe on what this has to say but at least a reference and a kindda "nice to know" stuff. I hope you had fun and learned something new about me today. Cheers.

BEATING THE HOMESICKNESS

I long to be home. All of a sudden my life has changed. I’ve got a brand new view ahead of me. I contend with different faces everyday, I do things that I don’t usually do, I sleep not on my own bed. And in the morning, I open my eyes with a scene different from I usually wake up with. I’m back to finding myself. I started to begin a new life.
I’m back to meeting the new me. Everything seems different. Yesterday seems like a distant past, I hardly remember the details of what the other day was. My previous endeavors seems useless to be counted off, my old plans look like not gonna work. I’m totally clueless on how to handle myself, being dependent on what’s goin to happen next. I don’t want to motivate myself but I deeply know I need to keep going. I have no idea about what tomorrow’s gonna be. I think I left myself at home.

I used to worry about life. I plan a lot. I care to make everything in place. Perfect. This is all I wanted to make my life. I’ve got too many problems, too many things to worry about, too many things to be tired of, too many complications… but now I think these are all making my life normal. And now that these are gone, I am in a limbo.

I wanted my old life. I miss my parents who were there to stop me from smoking all the time that whenever I get home from work served as my stress reliever. I miss the people around the house that no matter how noisy and disordered were making my day complete. I long to have my old phone and text all day. I miss my dogs, my old stuff, the usual lousy TV shows, my pc… I miss to sleep on my bed. I long to be home. I know I wanted to have this opportunity and I will be better… but nothing could be worst than being far away from home and got nothing but wishful thinking about what was left.

SYMPTOMS OF A BROKEN HEART

Watery eyes with tears difficulty comin out..
..holding the breath to stop the suffocation.
Each heart beat cause exhaustion.
You feel your head is on the ground.
Mind’s miles away.
Blank face makes impassive expression.
Seeing the world around when you know eyes are closed
You are alive but you feel like you’re six-feet under
Stomach stirring up, nerves are breaking.
Blood run miles per second, heart pounding a million times
Soul’s in comatose, brain’s dead
A feeling of bloodless wounds... extreme pain, no incision, no laseration.
Air goes by a hole in the chest and vital signs alright.
No medical explanation, existent since ancient times.

Wishing you're dead but life goes on.

UNDERSTANDING LOVE

Love has many faces. It depends on who is involved. There are no ideals. There is no explicit meaning. It is slanted on whoever the subjects are. Love is indefinite.

People often search for true love but they don’t know how to differentiate the one from false ones. They say love is blind but they don’t know mind works another way from the heart. It’s the mind that negates the right from wrong when the heart is responsible on what makes one happy or not. Love sometimes makes the fool out of one’s mind and permissive on heart’s impulses thus making it blind. In the case of a hopeless romantic, one searches for true love in whatever form just to have somebody physically present to be called “love one”. On the contrary, we often set standards in finding our partners and put imaginary characters on someone that we like to have the person fit on the ideals that we set. We please ourselves by putting our expectations over the person and get disappointed when the latter reveals himself in time.

Love can be in many forms. A lust inspired love is the most common. Involved parties go together because they satisfy sexual needs and fantasies of each other. A couple stays together when both are sexually efficient and interesting. Love is present when sexual attraction is alive on both ends.

Another visage of love is companionship. Human nature is way far from being alone. Sometimes we love a person because we need them to be with us in times of problems, hardships and challenges as we don’t want to be single-handed. They say penguins spend half of their lives searching for their partners and spend the rest of it with them. How about humans? Everyday is an opportunity to be with many individuals.

Sometimes we hear a person say “I love you because you are what you are” and this is basically all about the persons understanding and knowledge about the subject. What if the opposite party changed?

Love is a mutual lifetime commitment and the ultimate point of individuality.

Finding true love is finding oneself as loving someone means loving yourselves first. We shouldn’t aim to be loved when we vaguely know our self-worth. We don’t find our partners to fulfill our needs but we search for someone to rest with, with everything we have and everything we are. Find yourself and love will find you.

_____________________________________

WRITER'S COMMENT

This blog entry is written for a very special friend who's love and life became an inspiration to me. I am extremely delighted of her trust and friendship.

GALLERY

MY SELF-CRUCIFIXION

20" x 20" oil on canvas

january 2007

MY EARLY RETIREMENT

24" x 12" oil on canvass

june 2006

ORIGINAL SIN
15" x 15" oil on ceramic
july 2006

UNYONG
12" x 9" oil on canvass
june 2007

BIRTH OF VENUS

12" x 9" oil on canvass
january 2007

PANGS
15" x 10" pen & ink on paper
july 2005

BOOJEE
12" x 9" oil on canvass
january 2007

THE WATERFUN EXPERIENCE

Six to seven years back, it became a devastating experience to me that every once a year, there was this single day that you go out on the streets and you get these freakin folks splatter pails of water over to everyone they see. Usually clean water is being used but there are some who used stagnant and grimy liquids and out of fun, cruelty or for whatever reasons, they seemed enjoying the happenings as a part of a long-time tradition of the feast of Saint John, the Baptist.
If you were not a resident of San Juan or other places like Manila where St. John is the patron saint, you would never understand why these freaks would do the kind of nastiness. Through these years, I’ve learned to anticipate 24th of June as the day to avoid going out if you wish to keep yourself dry all day so when you have classes, work or any pertinent appointment, you should cancel and set out on another day.

Few years since then and now, I never projected that I will ever be a part of that water fun. I recently attended the Water Festival at the Dinalupihan Town Fiesta in Bataan in the honor of the aquatic patron St. John, the Baptist. Crazy happy people, huge fire trucks, devotees carrying torn foliage, street dancing… the spirit of the old Filipino tradition is very well alive.

It was my first experience to dance in the streets of a place that I was never been, got wet all over and had so much fun. Sun burn and a little runny nose followed shortly but of course nothing could be better than feastings over great food, beers and of course, warmth of the people of Dinalupihan. Truly it became a remarkable experience and gateway to embrace and love the idea about an absurd tradition.

DEAR BLOG

I’ve been away, all by myself. My journey went distant, you went far behind.
I went offline as you were left hanging...you know, you’ve missed so much about me.
We are no best friends but you are somewhat I can always count on
When I am devastated, I abandoned you and you never left me.

You help me show the whole world how I feel.
My talents restored, I believed in myself once again.
Cameras went on and off; you’ve been my constant audience.
Thank you for celebrating with me… and for sharing the tears as well.

Tonight I come back, as I write you another piece, accustomed thoughts about hurting, melancholy and glory.
Reflection of my ideas, expression of my emotions, you let me be the way I am.
It’s been a while and here I am again, my soul hungers to be listened, you are my sole aid to be in touch of the world.

Tonight I feel extraordinary; I am in need of a companion
No one else could understand me at least I know you would
You could always agree with me no matter how complicated I can be
I can be myself all the way and you would let me be

Tomorrow will come and dark segment ends
A book opens a new chapter and my life goes on.
As I get myself diverted and busy with the things to come…
…never ever consider that you are being taken for granted.
For as long as I exist and even when I’m passed away, there will always be somebody who would take a look back on the memories.

FILL IN THE BLANKS

I came to you in my worst but I felt genuinely the best. You filled the long-time empty side of my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night with your lips kissing mine, I know I missed it but I guess not… my soul wasn’t sleeping when you did.

You turn hope into reality, the lonesome nights became restful. A single day with you is a year long, that every second counts and each moment is worth spending, you took bad memories away

I almost forgot how to love but you reminded me of the old feeling when I was vulnerable, when my heart was supple and when my mind was sappy.
You brought back the tears in me when I am sad that you are far, that I love you and I am helpless and that I’m happy because God gave you to me.

You said I made you felt loved for real as I took you as my possession and I am the realization of your dreams and the answer to your wishes.

Now I say to you, you are the gift that made my questions answered. You reformatted my life and you are the only one left on file. I am complete and blessed, happy and even better. You made me live my life again and believe in God once more.

ANATOMY and BEYOND

I am in pain.
I am being choked by a giant saliva... its blocking my throat
and my chest feels like parting I can hardly breathe...
I suffer a billion stab each time i do
my head is flying, bumping a thousand boulders
My eyes wanna close but million images are flashing in seconds
I am like floating in a dark endless sea
I long to rest but my heart keeps on beating.
I gasp for some air but my lungs are empty
My lips are dry, my toungue tastes bitter
My system is working but my brain is dead
I feel in my fingertips, blood keeps flowing through my veins... despite of my heartbeat stop
I know Im tired and exhausted, wanting to end the agony
I dont know how to let it go.
If this is dying, why its taking me long?
Why is that everytime my heart breaks I have to suffer death?

CHINESE ASTROLOGY

Element: Earth

Mode: Cardinal

Ruler: Saturn

Color: Black, Dark Green, Cherry Red

Famous Capricorns:Muhammad Ali, Humphrey Bogart, Al Capone, Marlene Dietrich, Ava Gardner, Mel Gibson, Eartha Kitt, Jack London, Henri Matisse, Henry Miller, Mao Tse-tung, Richard Nixon, Aristotle Onassis, Elvis Presley, Sade, Albert Schweitzer, Howard Stern, Donna Summer, Christy Turlington

Strengths:Ambitious, authoritarian, calm, demanding, diligent, diplomatic, efficient, focused, genial, loyal, patient, pragmatic, profound realistic

Weaknesses:Calculating, despotic, indifferent, inflexible, moody, schoolmasterly, severe, skeptical, opinionated, rigorous Capricorn, the tenth sign of the zodiac, represents discipline, ambition, and rationality, making you the most determined and persistent sign of the zodiac, teddy. Since you have such an unshakable faith in your own power, you have an extreme capacity for hard work and endurance. Saturn, the planet of challenges and restrictions, is the ruler of Capricorn. Saturn is sometimes associated with bad luck; however, without the obstacles of Saturn we would never grow and evolve any further, which makes this planet the one that makes us tough, because it teaches us to develop patience and staying power. teddy, Capricorn is the third earth sign, which means you know that you can’t live on inspiration alone, and therefore, you have become a down-to-earth realist, and are willing to take care of the daily chores. For that reason, stability and consistency are very important to you. You, Capricorn, rule the tenth house of the horoscope, a sector associated with career, social standing, and personal aspirations.

Furthermore, this house describes your ambitions and goals in life, as well as your public image and your reputation in your social circles. Capricorn is a cardinal sign, meaning that you don’t wait for others to take action - you charge right in making full use of your qualities of pragmatism, efficiency, and diligence.

courtesy of www.astrocenter.com