OUR LADY OF THE INTERNET

: hi
> ASL?
: 26/F/phils
> Where in the Phils?
: Manila.
> Kewl.

The conversation started with broken phrases, a kind of conversation that saves from boredom. From a small corner of my dull room, a table rack with a monitor, speakers, keyboard, ash tray and small lamp on it, I take time to stare out of the window to see and intermingle with the whole world. It was an ordinary, boring late afternoon. I forgot what day it was but for sure. It wasn’t a weekend.

Along with three more chat mates, she exchanged thoughts with me, solely about me being depressed and her being able to help and extend friendship. I find this too stereotyped. Same with me, people like her would stay online to waste time and merge with the cyber world.

I remember my college days when my classmate introduced me to chatting. Internet was expensive and limited then. Very few people owned a computer in their home. My college mate had to teach me how to go online to meet people to work on our project. It was a thesis about online prostitution with chatting as a medium and I later found it out as the latest medium to communicate to different people from different places for different purposes. Since then, I regarded online engagement as one of the best way to spend time without too much cost.

A typical day for me is a regular working day that starts at night when everyone is about to end their day respectively, and after a long hours of work, when I get home, I would turn my pc right away, play mp3 files and go online until I loose my energy and fall asleep.

I would spend a lot of time in front of my computer longer than the usual since I was on leave for two weeks at that time. I was in my weakest condition, I was unreceptive to everything around me, the moment that I wished to die has passed but I wasn’t really feeling ready to go out and expose myself to other new challenges. My computer was my life and the net was my universe. There I had my own world; I belong to a society, a culture of convergence behind concealment where I can be myself, be somebody else and be with people who do the same as I do. I cannot live without my computer, with internet connection of course.

My days with her went no ordinary day. Aside from staying online more than the usual, I often have her preaching on me, sharing her thoughts, trying to reach out for me, showing me how wonderful life I have and world I am into. These are unordinary stuff. I usually don’t spend time listening to quotes and words of inspirations. I find it too boring; after all, I perfectly knew all these. It’s her. It’s all because of her. I see a little difference. My friends do the same. I heard almost hundred times the same bits of info. They consistently kept me holding on the good things that I have. They never failed on reminding me how smart, talented, witty and enthusiastic guy I am. They never mentioned I am good-looking though but she did. He-he-he. But it’s not that. She religiously listened to me. I know she understood me, she acknowledged my anguish, and she sympathized with me. She extended herself to me and I felt her comfort, things that I don’t get from my friends. I cannot blame them for they knew me as a funny man, someone who seems to have no problems at all. I would always want to talk to her. I knew my days won’t be complete without her. I don’t know, but hell, I think I’m in love.

Being single for nearly two years now, I am longing to have someone that I could be with intimately. Someone that I could talk to at the end of each tiring days, someone that I know will always be there for me, someone that I could love and could love me back. I know it’s her. I want to get well for her.

She was an image of an angel. A typical chinita with skinny body built, skinny that looks perfectly sexy. Her lips’ like a pale cherry, her hair is silky long black. Her getup is as simple as an innocent fella, never been kissed, never been touched. I see her as a perfect mother of my kids. My mom would always tease me of her longing for grandchildren of my courtesy. Too advanced, but I was just daydreaming to regard her as my spouse. I wanted her to be with me for the rest of my life. It was quite a short period of time; the usual stranger went out to be one of the most important people in my life, a stranger who made me see the wonders in me, somebody who gave me enough reason to live my dying life. She was the one who simply opened my eyes to the world of possibilities and new beginnings, she who reconstructed my dilapidating constitution. Everything happened in the cyber space.

We finally set the date to meet up. I was so excited to see the woman of my dream. After a long time of waiting and of being alone, once again, my life would be filled with dreams and hopes. My path will be cleared towards the end to my long awaited journey. I know I will be happy again. I went out ready to fight once more. This time stronger, renewed. Finally, I am going to kiss my lovely redeemer.

It was an ordinary day with her; I was just counting the days. I can hardly explain my excitement to see her, my longing to touch my angel. This time she sounded estranged. Sharing a limited conversation I didn’t notice her until she burst out the bomb that shook my body deep into my soul that I felt diluvia has just fell upon me.

She is not going to meet me anymore. My angel will remain as an image of fantasy, in the world of cyberspace where impossible is nothing, where everyone could be anyone he or she wishes to be. My seraph that got me out from darkness will be a guiding light from above that can be seen but can never be touched. My lady in shining armor will remain as a legend whose legacy will live until the last day of my life, her inspiration that lit my dying candle will continue to keep the flame burning to continually enlighten my soul. Truly the world of internet is a vast dimension of inventiveness. It can easily change your life and virtually alter your state of mind.

With her, I was able to learn about the positive things in my life. I was able to see that I am a lucky person compared to other remaining millions of individual scattered all over the planet. I have my friends who never left me when I was in my most troublesome scenario. I have a job that fuels up my needs and wants. I have my siblings that support my endeavor, my dad who gives me strength to face life with confidence and teach me how to be a good father and provider; and most especially my mom who loves me so much that she has to go with the process of learning the modern technology of the cyberspace and be an angel impostor to chat with me and help me deal with my crisis.

: hi
> ASL?
: 62/F/phils
> Oh! Wow! How can I help?
: Help urself.

BETA CAROTENE FOR THE SOUL

When I was young, I rarely get sick. Only simple colds, fevers that happen once in a blue moon and not forgetting some wounds and cuts from a well-lived witty childhood, were my complications. I can count the times when I got some digestive problems due to food contamination and a very odd cardiovascular condition wherein I often get speedy palpitation with an average of 190 bpm, which I don’t consider a serious illness after undergoing a series of ECG, 2D Echo and other cardio tests without any certain diagnosis. I got divirginized at the age of nineteen when I was hospitalized due to stage 2 dengue hemorrhagic fever, as it was the first time I got my hands penetrated by a giant needle for dextrose and some blood transfusion. Life seems perfect but it isn’t so. I may be provided with supplements to make my body resistant to diseases but life won’t be complete without it. I remember a television commercial for a bottled water, I’m not even sure if these are the right wordings but it says “In a perfect world, there are no bacteria, germs that causes illness”. I would buy that product in tons if that’s true, for a perfect world really contains impurities we usually call, imperfections. Just like supplements that make us defiant to diseases, attitude helps defend against failures and life’s impediments.

I am reminded of an article I read about an anti oxidant that is commonly found in yellow and orange fruits and vegetables that appears to protect the body from damaging molecules called free radicals. It helps fight certain chronic illnesses such as heart attack and cancer. It is usually associated with a vitamin that’s good for the eye and promotes decreased sensitivity to the sun’s harmful rays.

When we see life as a vast ocean of darkness, we seek the brighter side of it. When we experience quandary, we tend to counteract with a positive attitude. It helps us see the entire scenario as a manageable fight. Similar to taking in some supplements to make our body stronger and resistant, positive outlook helps us survive and overcome challenges in life. During the times that we are unable to see things clear, when we are exposed to many untoward situations, when we are susceptible and helpless, all we need is a great dose of the element that could help us keep going and recover for possible damages. It would protect us from life’s free radicals such as frustrations, negative thoughts, hopelessness and apathy. When we are into confusion, it would help us have a clearer vision on the things that we usually overlook especially when we are close-minded and blinded by self-pity and skepticism. It makes us less receptive against pain due to intolerance and biases. And as these substances supply the fruits and vegetables its yellow coloring, positive outlook provides a clearer, sound and bright manifestation of one’s life.

MULTIPLE RAPE COUNT: CASE 101 - DEPRESSIVE DISORDER

Depression is a state of mind wherein an individual suffers psychological pain causing anxiety, weariness and loss of will to survive. According to some studies, it’s getting one of the most common illnesses in well-developed and industrialized countries. Its invisibility makes depression one of the most ignored disorders at least in nearly all cases.

True stories revealed that many famous figures disintegrated due to unknown and/or unpublished reasons and depression may be one of it. A movie star vanished at the peak of her career and showed up a decade after claiming that she went into drug rehabilitation. Another public figure found dead after jumping out from the window of his condominium unit. These are few of one hundred-one stories that were never given enough attention and treated like normal incidents. Drug addiction is one of the visible effects of depression and the worst, suicide.

Depression is a feeling of insecurity, fear and pessimism. Setting aside the scientific and medical definition, it is an honest, self-confessed and experience-based description that I was able to formulate.

Many people believe it as a simple state of mind wherein an individual experiences aggravation and feeling of negativity that can be resolved simply by facing the problem, analyzing the circumstances, implying best solutions and continuously pushing to recover the situation. Some people say it could be overcome by thinking about things confidently.

Have a positive thinking and open your mind. Help yourself. Be ready for more failures to come and be happy to deal with it. Never entertain any feeling of sadness and hopelessness. Do not expect much from life. Keep on going and simply be happy. These are only few of the thoughts that others suggests, true and very objective yet difficult to execute.

An individual can choose to be happy or not as they say but I hardly agree. Choices are different from options. You can always take an option but you may not be happy about it leaving you no choice. On the other hand, a choice is something that you want and could make you completely fulfilled. It’s similar to the difference between choosing what makes you happy against what is right, congruent to the disparity between satisfaction and fulfillment.

Nobody could understand depression better unless you are a victim yourself. It is a feeling of being raped in which you think positively that a single shower could take all the dirt off and then get raped again and again and again regardless of your sense of optimism and willingness to strive for survival. You don’t choose to be raped but it did happen. You think about it positively by forgetting about the incident and heading to live normally as it is. Then you got raped again, stood up once more and lived life, this time with caution and got raped again. If you are one of the people who view things like the above-mentioned, how would you be able to handle yourself then? Would you still be positive and willing to experience the same dilemma? Or would you rather care not at all and let it pass regardless of how many times you will be victimized until you let yourself turned into a whore -like personality who’s immunized over nonstop assaults? Life sometimes suffer a continuous act of rape where failure and frustration comes simultaneously over a longer period of time and this is what I call, the Age of Depression.

POST MORTEM

Tonight is my night. It’s the best time of my day. Perhaps the last day of my life, a life that’s full of pain, anxiety and glum. Tonight I will come out of my bed and face the world outside, my life has to end.

Tonight is the moment to linger on my throbbing and on the days of my belligerence against life’s imperfections. I would close my eyes for the last time to see my life in a flash. Tears would come out to purify each moment and to let the pain out so the world could see the long-kept melancholy.

Tonight im going to have my last smile, to remember the people who held my hands to keep myself standing whenever I would tend to fall down. The people who gave me inspiration to keep myself fighting, the ones who listened to my crying and to those who loved me when I was unable do the same.

Tonight will be my last breathe to let go of my worries for it’s the most awaited instance when I could let go of my gasp, to let myself free and vanish completely.

Tonight I fear no pain; I discovered the virtue of immunity. I fear no failure as I learned about the way to a second chance. I fear no loneliness, myself is my ceaseless companion. I fear no dark, for I know at the other side of the earth is a light that is about to shine on me. I fear no death, for it promises a brand new life.

MORTAL REVOLUTION

Carbon monoxide filled lungs, saggy eye bags, enlarged tummy, blackened lips due to excessive smoking, overlapping mustache, distorted mind – that's all I have now. I suddenly became a picture of a monstrous creature everyone used to hate in the past few days. I myself even hated me. I wish I’m dead.

Suddenly I wanted to end my life. I don’t know why. I’m just tired. I think of no future, everything went non-sense. I woke up one night, I was about to start my day but I don’t want to get up from bed. I see a huge machine in front of me, giant wheels, a typical industrial setup that seems operational for the longest time. I am a part of the machine, I got no choice. I need to keep myself going. I wanted to stop and let the whole process eat me up until I get myself ground into pieces and disappear in an instant. I wish ending my life could be as simple and fast as this.

It was a night of distress, my smoky room was dark. Music from my pc played so loud. The scent of some beer and burn cigarette filled the air. First time in my life, I’m going to be free. Free from boulders of unending thoughts and worries about what my life is going to be, what is going to happen if I fail to carry out my usual routine, what’s in store in the next payday? I am not happy anymore. My life seems like a great waste. I don’t care; I don’t want to think about it anymore. I will sleep and dream to be in an isolated far island. Lie down and think of no tomorrow, no work to do, no bills to pay, nothing at all. I wish to wake up no more.

The door quietly opened as the beam from outside came in following a shadow of an obviously familiar figure. I was aware but I didn’t do anything. Few seconds passed, he broke up the silence, I was expecting him. It was ten thirty; I was supposed to be leaving for work. He usually prepares my dinner and things needed for my shower. I didn’t exactly heard what he asked but I knew I understood him, I said I’m not going to work that time. That was supposed to be simple as it was but he stayed. I ignored him.

The very odd conversation started, I never had such in my whole life. I got a heart to heart talk with a person who was an image of strength and power in my whole twenty four years of living. Finally, I was able to say to him;

“I wanted to end my life. I don’t know why. I’m just tired. I think of no future, everything went non-sense. I woke up one night, I was about to start my day but I don’t want to get up from bed. I see a huge machine in front of me, giant wheels, a typical industrial setup that seems operational for the longest time. I am a part of the machine, I got no choice. I need to keep myself going. I wanted to stop and let the whole process eat me up until I get myself ground into pieces and disappear in an instant. I wish ending my life could be as simple and fast as this.”

My dad was speechless. I’m not sure if he was expecting it but it was much of a comfort that I felt, he understood me. I saw in his eyes, he was saying “I wish I could do something to help you out.”

He said I am a figure of a strong man. A dream came true when he did in his mid- thirty’s. Two big guys were born in his dream. When I grew up, I didn’t grow as big as he is. I am a small guy with big dreams, strong will and definite sense of direction. I know I was. I don’t know if I will be. My dad still believed in me.

I suddenly wanted to be strong again, to keep my life going and fight to survive – but I still wanted to die. I would always fear death for I’m afraid to leave people I love. But that night, was the perfect time to die. It was the best time to die, when you care for nobody and nobody cares for you existence. I love my Dad but he knows what I feel and understands me perfectly. My chest suddenly went in pain. It was a part of feeling free; it was my chance to cry as my eyes went watery. Unfortunately I didn’t. I will never ever forget the moment.

I AM NOT WHAT I AM

I am what I am, yet I guess Im not. I smile and laugh but I bleed inside. I know Im strong but in fact Im weak. Im a wonderful person yet I dont have a life.

Ive been all myself but i seemed not, for they hardly believe me at all. My willingness to love is not visible as my tendency to hurt. Im true but indeed unbelievable. My reality is in my dream... my life is brilliant but not worth living for. I am always true and I am not what I am.

RECLUSION

Under my bed I slept. Underneath I found peace, free from turbulence and safe from harm. I would be protected and my pain would not be seen. Down there I stayed until I would decide to be happy again.

Under my bed I went out, once again I felt free.My grasping hands loosened up, Im ready to satisfy my instinct to love again.
The world outside was too bright; courageous my heart is, yet my eyes could not bear the blinding light. Tears came out and it hurt. I wish I stayed down my haven.

You lent me a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. You stood by me and provided me comfort. Under the bed was my haven, Above it i found you, my fortress.

Tonight i sleep, with you in my mind. My fears are gone -- i am no longer alone. Under my bed i find refuge, above it I find serenity with you. this time, I know, I will be happy again.

ODE TO MY HEART

Goodbye my lonely heart, restless in the storm
your wounds were never healed, your blood was drenched by time
the never-ending pain immuned your veins,
your beating stopped as you waited in vain

... still, nobody knew your existence.

Goodbye my heart, the world was mean
so much intolerance, so much neglect
hence, you were unwearied, you tried to reach out
you are divine but still a mortal

Goodbye my martyr, you didn't survive the pain
your battle may not be triumphant but you were never a looser
victorious you may not be, but you were never conquered
your sorrow was never gone away but glory is upon you

Goodbye my abandoned heart, your end has come
your purpose was unsatisfied no matter how you sacrificed
you were a great performer and you wished to play in eternal
and even sad songs have endings no matter how you keep playing

Goodbye my heart, farewell my solace
time to let you go, time to end the misery
may you rest in stillness, in the unending serenity
you were forgotten and you were deserted
now I'll let you respite as one is worthy of you no more

When you get there, forget me not
remember me, your beloved companion
now will be alone, will be incensate...
will yeild in emptiness and in incessant shadows

Goodbye my heart, may you find hope
may God hear you sing so I could start to cry,
may you see the light so I could love once more
perhaps in another life, when we meet again.

WRITER'S COMMENT

This is the most heart-pounding poem I have ever written. Every line is a reflection of the pain. It may seems like too much of a self-pitiness but I'd rather say, self-assessment againts the whole world. The video version is the unedited, still typos and grammatic errors were noted.

MY CRIME

You're gone now but the memories will be forever, as you touched my life like no one has ever did.
You came when i was in my weakest, when my world turned around, when my sky was murky, when darkness fell upon me.
You lit my way and got me out from the dark. I was in a journey to search my way back home, like a little child lost in the forest. You comforted and strengthened me.You powered my bended sword, flamed my torch and nursed my wounded heart.

The world began to move, the sun began to shine. The rain you brought gave life to shrubbery, the breeze kissed my face as you breathe. You sang my song and your voice gave life to my music, the rhythm continued then my dancing went in tune. The poetry has gotten important meaning as you deciphered it with me.

Life became momentous as I kept myself going. The feeling's unspoken, the situation's undefined. The act loudly shouted as we whisper each name. You stroked my heart and the bleeding stopped.

The night has passed and the dream went over, the illusion has gone and I came to realize, the crime I committed is taking you away from me.

My passion is strong more than myself could ever stand. My heart speaks louder as my mind humbly conforms. I am foolish and stupid to play the game I scarcely know.
Now that you're gone, my world suddenly bunged. The music you play became a pain to my ears. My breathing stops whenever I see you face, your smile is now a knife that cuts my heart into pieces.

The sentence was read and the judgment was inflicted. The torment started, my chastisement is accepted. I could take all the hardship in this world to pay the crime off, to get rid of the guilt and to penalize my blunder.
I take all the blame as I innocently sinned, that even in another life or whenever, I know, I'll still fall in love with you, my best friend.

WRITER'S COMMENT

MY CRIME is the very first poem I wrote in August, 2005. Edited by colleague Cherrylie Abelardo. James Blunt song "You're Beautiful" came out in November of the same year with his album "Back to Bedlam" including the single "Goodbye My Lover" which became an inspiration of the video featuring the poem. The video is the unedited version with typo and grammar errors.

The poem was inspired by my bestfriend who happend to be no one now. It was a great expression of my grief and dissapointment that I have to say it that way recovering the poet in me.