MORTAL REVOLUTION

Carbon monoxide filled lungs, saggy eye bags, enlarged tummy, blackened lips due to excessive smoking, overlapping mustache, distorted mind – that's all I have now. I suddenly became a picture of a monstrous creature everyone used to hate in the past few days. I myself even hated me. I wish I’m dead.

Suddenly I wanted to end my life. I don’t know why. I’m just tired. I think of no future, everything went non-sense. I woke up one night, I was about to start my day but I don’t want to get up from bed. I see a huge machine in front of me, giant wheels, a typical industrial setup that seems operational for the longest time. I am a part of the machine, I got no choice. I need to keep myself going. I wanted to stop and let the whole process eat me up until I get myself ground into pieces and disappear in an instant. I wish ending my life could be as simple and fast as this.

It was a night of distress, my smoky room was dark. Music from my pc played so loud. The scent of some beer and burn cigarette filled the air. First time in my life, I’m going to be free. Free from boulders of unending thoughts and worries about what my life is going to be, what is going to happen if I fail to carry out my usual routine, what’s in store in the next payday? I am not happy anymore. My life seems like a great waste. I don’t care; I don’t want to think about it anymore. I will sleep and dream to be in an isolated far island. Lie down and think of no tomorrow, no work to do, no bills to pay, nothing at all. I wish to wake up no more.

The door quietly opened as the beam from outside came in following a shadow of an obviously familiar figure. I was aware but I didn’t do anything. Few seconds passed, he broke up the silence, I was expecting him. It was ten thirty; I was supposed to be leaving for work. He usually prepares my dinner and things needed for my shower. I didn’t exactly heard what he asked but I knew I understood him, I said I’m not going to work that time. That was supposed to be simple as it was but he stayed. I ignored him.

The very odd conversation started, I never had such in my whole life. I got a heart to heart talk with a person who was an image of strength and power in my whole twenty four years of living. Finally, I was able to say to him;

“I wanted to end my life. I don’t know why. I’m just tired. I think of no future, everything went non-sense. I woke up one night, I was about to start my day but I don’t want to get up from bed. I see a huge machine in front of me, giant wheels, a typical industrial setup that seems operational for the longest time. I am a part of the machine, I got no choice. I need to keep myself going. I wanted to stop and let the whole process eat me up until I get myself ground into pieces and disappear in an instant. I wish ending my life could be as simple and fast as this.”

My dad was speechless. I’m not sure if he was expecting it but it was much of a comfort that I felt, he understood me. I saw in his eyes, he was saying “I wish I could do something to help you out.”

He said I am a figure of a strong man. A dream came true when he did in his mid- thirty’s. Two big guys were born in his dream. When I grew up, I didn’t grow as big as he is. I am a small guy with big dreams, strong will and definite sense of direction. I know I was. I don’t know if I will be. My dad still believed in me.

I suddenly wanted to be strong again, to keep my life going and fight to survive – but I still wanted to die. I would always fear death for I’m afraid to leave people I love. But that night, was the perfect time to die. It was the best time to die, when you care for nobody and nobody cares for you existence. I love my Dad but he knows what I feel and understands me perfectly. My chest suddenly went in pain. It was a part of feeling free; it was my chance to cry as my eyes went watery. Unfortunately I didn’t. I will never ever forget the moment.