OUR LADY OF THE INTERNET

: hi
> ASL?
: 26/F/phils
> Where in the Phils?
: Manila.
> Kewl.

The conversation started with broken phrases, a kind of conversation that saves from boredom. From a small corner of my dull room, a table rack with a monitor, speakers, keyboard, ash tray and small lamp on it, I take time to stare out of the window to see and intermingle with the whole world. It was an ordinary, boring late afternoon. I forgot what day it was but for sure. It wasn’t a weekend.

Along with three more chat mates, she exchanged thoughts with me, solely about me being depressed and her being able to help and extend friendship. I find this too stereotyped. Same with me, people like her would stay online to waste time and merge with the cyber world.

I remember my college days when my classmate introduced me to chatting. Internet was expensive and limited then. Very few people owned a computer in their home. My college mate had to teach me how to go online to meet people to work on our project. It was a thesis about online prostitution with chatting as a medium and I later found it out as the latest medium to communicate to different people from different places for different purposes. Since then, I regarded online engagement as one of the best way to spend time without too much cost.

A typical day for me is a regular working day that starts at night when everyone is about to end their day respectively, and after a long hours of work, when I get home, I would turn my pc right away, play mp3 files and go online until I loose my energy and fall asleep.

I would spend a lot of time in front of my computer longer than the usual since I was on leave for two weeks at that time. I was in my weakest condition, I was unreceptive to everything around me, the moment that I wished to die has passed but I wasn’t really feeling ready to go out and expose myself to other new challenges. My computer was my life and the net was my universe. There I had my own world; I belong to a society, a culture of convergence behind concealment where I can be myself, be somebody else and be with people who do the same as I do. I cannot live without my computer, with internet connection of course.

My days with her went no ordinary day. Aside from staying online more than the usual, I often have her preaching on me, sharing her thoughts, trying to reach out for me, showing me how wonderful life I have and world I am into. These are unordinary stuff. I usually don’t spend time listening to quotes and words of inspirations. I find it too boring; after all, I perfectly knew all these. It’s her. It’s all because of her. I see a little difference. My friends do the same. I heard almost hundred times the same bits of info. They consistently kept me holding on the good things that I have. They never failed on reminding me how smart, talented, witty and enthusiastic guy I am. They never mentioned I am good-looking though but she did. He-he-he. But it’s not that. She religiously listened to me. I know she understood me, she acknowledged my anguish, and she sympathized with me. She extended herself to me and I felt her comfort, things that I don’t get from my friends. I cannot blame them for they knew me as a funny man, someone who seems to have no problems at all. I would always want to talk to her. I knew my days won’t be complete without her. I don’t know, but hell, I think I’m in love.

Being single for nearly two years now, I am longing to have someone that I could be with intimately. Someone that I could talk to at the end of each tiring days, someone that I know will always be there for me, someone that I could love and could love me back. I know it’s her. I want to get well for her.

She was an image of an angel. A typical chinita with skinny body built, skinny that looks perfectly sexy. Her lips’ like a pale cherry, her hair is silky long black. Her getup is as simple as an innocent fella, never been kissed, never been touched. I see her as a perfect mother of my kids. My mom would always tease me of her longing for grandchildren of my courtesy. Too advanced, but I was just daydreaming to regard her as my spouse. I wanted her to be with me for the rest of my life. It was quite a short period of time; the usual stranger went out to be one of the most important people in my life, a stranger who made me see the wonders in me, somebody who gave me enough reason to live my dying life. She was the one who simply opened my eyes to the world of possibilities and new beginnings, she who reconstructed my dilapidating constitution. Everything happened in the cyber space.

We finally set the date to meet up. I was so excited to see the woman of my dream. After a long time of waiting and of being alone, once again, my life would be filled with dreams and hopes. My path will be cleared towards the end to my long awaited journey. I know I will be happy again. I went out ready to fight once more. This time stronger, renewed. Finally, I am going to kiss my lovely redeemer.

It was an ordinary day with her; I was just counting the days. I can hardly explain my excitement to see her, my longing to touch my angel. This time she sounded estranged. Sharing a limited conversation I didn’t notice her until she burst out the bomb that shook my body deep into my soul that I felt diluvia has just fell upon me.

She is not going to meet me anymore. My angel will remain as an image of fantasy, in the world of cyberspace where impossible is nothing, where everyone could be anyone he or she wishes to be. My seraph that got me out from darkness will be a guiding light from above that can be seen but can never be touched. My lady in shining armor will remain as a legend whose legacy will live until the last day of my life, her inspiration that lit my dying candle will continue to keep the flame burning to continually enlighten my soul. Truly the world of internet is a vast dimension of inventiveness. It can easily change your life and virtually alter your state of mind.

With her, I was able to learn about the positive things in my life. I was able to see that I am a lucky person compared to other remaining millions of individual scattered all over the planet. I have my friends who never left me when I was in my most troublesome scenario. I have a job that fuels up my needs and wants. I have my siblings that support my endeavor, my dad who gives me strength to face life with confidence and teach me how to be a good father and provider; and most especially my mom who loves me so much that she has to go with the process of learning the modern technology of the cyberspace and be an angel impostor to chat with me and help me deal with my crisis.

: hi
> ASL?
: 62/F/phils
> Oh! Wow! How can I help?
: Help urself.